Exactly 6 years ago today I had one of the most Faith shaking moments of my life. It was in this moment that He showed me His great love for me. It was from this place that inspired the name of this blog.
February 14, 2011 I went in for a yearly exam, which I recommend for all. Prior to this exam God had already began taking me through a very deep inner healing process, very painful things of which I will continue to share throughout these blogs. I never imagined the words or things I would have to go through to get to the place of which I had been crying out to God. “Make me whole”.
During my exam I was told that I had a mass, the first question I asked; “will I be able to have children?” The Dr’s response; “I’m not sure” at this point we didn’t have all the answers because I had to go for further testing, I had to see an oncologist. I remember leaving the office that day flooded with so many emotions, I got home, closed the door turned the lights off and literally said; “just take me now”, “I don’t even want to live”. I felt hopeless and abandoned. Like God had left me. How could a God who loved me, leave me in that moment? That night one of my closest friends who had been there for me to help me walk through so many of the things God had already begun, had planned a dinner for some of the single folks and invited me over. I did not want to be around anyone, it was the last thing I wanted to do. However, being alone is never the answer in moments like these, because in these moments you really do need an army of strength behind you. She finally convinced me to come over, I went into the bathroom with her and cried as she held me and said; “I know you can’t see it now, but it’s not by accident it’s Valentine’s Day, He will show you it’s purpose.”
Through many tears, many questions, many moments of even questioning my Faith, the journey began. I went in for an ultrasound and during that ultrasound I remember thinking in my mind; “this is all my fault, I did this”, as I laid there during the process all I could do is worship to help remove those false thoughts that the enemy had placed in my mind. He’s a liar and in moments like this He will always try to create false thoughts about you, God and what God is able to do. It was discovered that I had a tumor on my left ovary but didn’t know if it was cancerous. I went to the oncologist and I was told I would have to have surgery to remove the tumor and once they go in they will determine if they are able to preserve fertility. Again, I was hit with the words; “possibility”, “maybe”, “we’ll see”. Leaving me with such uncertainty of Faith, Hope and questioning; “Does God really love me?” I was so discouraged but thankful for those who walked with me through the journey. If it wasn’t for those who stood with me in Faith even when I felt I had none, who encouraged me, prayed with me and loved me in those dark moments I don’t know that I could have made it through. We need people in our lives, community and family when hard times come we should never stand alone!
After several months of procrastinating surgery believing God would miraculously remove the tumor I went back for another ultrasound. It was still there, disappointed not in God by myself for feeling like perhaps it was me not having enough faith. God reminded me of great men of Faith who had endured surgery, that it wasn’t me or my Faith. I just needed to Trust Him in the process, knowing that He was still doing the work even if it wasn’t the way I thought it would be and that out of this He would get the glory!
One very important thing I need to share, I believe is crucial to this whole story and understanding God’s grace, love and re-assurance. I know to some this may not make sense, because it didn’t to me either. Several months before all of this took place I was doing what most single woman do thinking about marriage, starting to put together a hope chest of what that might look like. All of a sudden God said; “Stop, I don’t want you to do that.” He said; “You can buy baby clothes”. I was like; “WHAT”, that makes no sense but I stopped in obedience to Him. It was an odd thing for me to even think about buying baby clothes, it wasn’t even a thought in my mind. I remember the first time I purchased an outfit it felt so strange, after the first time it got easier and I could literally feel hope. The scripture say’s; “His way’s are not our ways, His thoughts are not our thoughts” Isaiah 55:8-9.
I did not know at the time, but what He was doing was building Hope in me. He was building Hope for the moment I would have to face feeling Hopeless. In the moments that I wold hear the words; “Possibly”, “Maybe”, “We’ll see”. He was showing me that in the moment when I would question God’s faithfulness, question His promises, He reminded me that His promises are yes and amen. Forwarding to the day after surgery my Dr. came in the room and checked on me, I was full of medication so could hardly say much but heard him say; “looking good, I can’t make any promises”. When he said that in my spirit I said; “You are not my promise keeper, you do not hold my promises!” 2 Corinthians 1:20.
Looking back and remembering today of that season in my life, I am reminded of His great love for me on this day especially! He is faithful, He is good, He will never leave you or forsake you not even when you “feel” alone, you are Never alone. Isaiah 41:10 “Don’t fear, because I am with you; don’t be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will surely help you; I will hold you with my righteous strong hand.”
I am still waiting on His promises to be manifested in my life and when the enemy tries to steal Hope, I am reminded of these moments. His love is endless, His love is forever passionate about me and you!
Happy Valentine’s Day!